Gene Simmons’ $12,495 “Roadie Experience” is the Most Shameless Cash Grab You Can Imagine

Gene Simmons Wants YOU and your wallet to pay $12,495 to be his servant for a day.

Ah, Gene Simmons—the man, the myth, the sexual predator. Just when you thought the rock industry couldn't get any more shameless, the KISS bassist extraordinaire has found a new way to shake down his own fans for every last penny. Forget a meet-and-greet, forget a VIP backstage pass—no, no, no! For the low, low price of $12,495, YOU can have the privilege of being Gene Simmons' personal assistant and roadie for a day. That's right, folks. For an amount of money that could buy you a decent used car, you get to work for Gene Simmons while he graciously allows you to bask in his presence.

The 'Experience' (Read: Exploitation)

So what does this once-in-a-lifetime scam—I mean, experience—include? According to the fine folks at GeneSimmonsAxe.com, your $12,495 (plus any dignity you once had) gets you:

A full day of unpaid labor: You'll meet with Simmons and his band early in the morning (because what's better than shelling out 12 grand to be up at the crack of dawn?) to go over the day's schedule.

Glorified baggage handling: You get to arrive and load-in with the band. You're essentially an intern, but instead of college credit, you're paying a five-figure sum.

Manual labor: Help the band set up for the show. Maybe lug some heavy amps while Gene watches from his leather throne.

Table scraps with the Rock God Himself: You'll have a meal with Gene—most likely in a backstage cafeteria while he checks his bank account to make sure your payment cleared.

The absolute pinnacle of humiliation: Gene will bring you on stage to "introduce" you. Awww, how nice! Like a medieval king displaying his most loyal court jester.

A 'free' setlist: “free” is used pretty liberally here, but whatever.

Backstage 'access': Because after all the sweat and hard work you've put in, it's only fair that you're allowed to stand in a dark hallway while the real VIPs enjoy the good stuff.

A 'VIP' laminate: Just in case you needed a little piece of plastic to remind you of the most expensive mistake of your life.

Oh, and let's not forget the grand prize—a used bass guitar from KISS rehearsals, signed by the man himself. Arguably the most worthwhile aspect, but as you’re paying over $12,000 AND giving Simmons your labor, having a secondhand instrument from a band that is about as relevant as Morse code is hardly worth the efforts.

The Price of Fan Devotion (or Idiocy?)

Let's put this into perspective. $12,495 is more than three times the average monthly rent in the U.S. You could go on an all-inclusive luxury vacation, buy season tickets to multiple sports teams, or hell, invest in something that doesn't involve carrying someone else's drum kit. And yet, here we are—watching Gene Simmons wring every last cent out of his die-hard followers, who he clearly sees not as fans, but as walking, talking ATMs.

The Gene Simmons Business Model: Squeeze 'Em Dry

This isn't new for Simmons. The man has a long history of monetizing anything that isn't nailed down. KISS coffins? Check. KISS condoms? Check. Charging fans thousands of dollars to be a roadie for a day? Big fat check.

But let's not pretend Gene is alone in this. The music industry is rife with artists who view their fans as little more than cash cows. Take, for instance, the metalcore band Ice Nine Kills, who recently charged fans to be extras in their music video—a move that sparked controversy and was seen by many as exploitative.

Then there's the pervasive trend of paid meet-and-greets. While some artists see this as a necessary evil to make ends meet, others, like DEICIDE's Glen Benton, have slammed the practice. Benton referred to paid meet-and-greets as "exploitative," criticizing bands that charge fans exorbitant amounts for a brief interaction.

SODOM's frontman, Thomas "Angelripper" Such, also took a stand against these practices, stating, "I hate it. This has nothing to do with metal." He criticized bands that sell backstage tickets for fans to say hello or get a plaque, emphasizing that such practices are driven by greed and have no place in the metal community.

A Message to the Fans

Look, if you've got 12 grand burning a hole in your pocket and your dream is to be Gene Simmons' personal lackey, then by all means—go ahead. But don't pretend this is some sort of exclusive rock-and-roll honor. You're not joining the band. You're not a VIP. You're an overpaying roadie who just got suckered into financing Gene Simmons' next unnecessary purchase.

At the end of the day, Gene Simmons is laughing all the way to the bank. And you? You're left with a signed setlist, a sweaty old bass, and the gut-wrenching realization that you just paid more than $12,000 to do a job that others get paid for.

Congratulations, you played yourself.